


...This is Now/Reverie - Part 2

by ana



Category: Vorkosigan Saga - Lois McMaster Bujold
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-08-12
Updated: 2012-08-12
Packaged: 2017-11-15 02:54:14
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,085
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/522353
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ana/pseuds/ana
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Summary of Part1 That Was Then:<br/>A young Gregor feels suddenly burdened with nightmares and grief because of all the people who died for him during the Pretendership. He has a troubled episode researching all these dead and exposes a young Ivan to some macabre dead portraits and a lot of upsetting talk, without realising he's upsetting Ivan - until Cordelia intervenes.  This happens on Ivan's birthday, the result of which is Ivan has reoccurring nightmares about his father, death, the plaque and beheadings.  Gregor knows nothing of Ivan's nightmares, but knows he'd upset him and makes it up to him in a way Ivan appreciates.  Neither of them have ever voiced to each other their fears and nightmares.</p><p>From CVA: Alys has handed over the reins of the plaque birthday ritual/memorial service to Ivan leaving it up to him with what to do with their annual ritual.</p><p>(Gregor isn't in this fic by the way)</p>
            </blockquote>





	...This is Now/Reverie - Part 2

**Author's Note:**

  * In response to a prompt by [Philomytha](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Philomytha/pseuds/Philomytha) in the [Bujold_Ficathon_2012_CVA](https://archiveofourown.org/collections/Bujold_Ficathon_2012_CVA) collection. 



> I hope it's not too minimal for what you wanted Philomytha!
> 
> Part 1 is here (and has no spoilers): [click here to read Part 1](http://archiveofourown.org/works/522334)

_Philomytha prompty: Ivan starting to call Simon his stepfather_

_***  
_

_Ivan’s Flat – Barrayar_

All the packages from Ivan and Tej’s time away from Barrayar had now arrived. 

But these weren’t solely their belongings and gifts; a lot of the items were requests: “ _While you’re there could you go to this obscure store that’s in the middle of the depths of nowhere and buy me a cup that matches my tea set?  Could you take these million gifts for the children of Vorbretten/Vorkosigan/Vorbarra/Galeni etc etc?  Could you pick up a package from this address – it may smell funny but it’s quite safe.  Could you make sure you give this one to X/Y/Z - in person?  I’ve not seen Simon Illyan for years.  Could you give this to him? It’s got my contact details on the inside and the outside and – some other things.”_ And then the Escobaran woman had given Ivan a grin and a look.

Ivan had had _that_ package scanned straight away, and was still traumatised that it contained women’s underwear and some other items.  Ivan decided to pretend he hadn’t seen it.  He didn’t know who the woman was and he didn’t _want_ to know.  He’d just have to make sure he gave it to Simon when his mother wasn’t there. 

He looked at all the various piles of tagged packages and glanced at a specific pile and frowned.  Tej followed his eyes. “Why did your mother want you to send all her orders _here_?”

“To drive me crazy, why else?  She said she’ll be over tomorrow to sort through it _.”  While I’m here, of course._   His mother’s way of casually interrogating him while she did something else.  He knew it would be about his birthday _and_ the belated wedding party they hadn’t planned yet and…other things. 

“We could distribute the packages and gifts this afternoon; we don’t have anything on today.”

Ivan Xav shook his head.  “Let’s leave it until tomorrow.”

“Alright.”  Tej was disappointed but in no hurry, although she was looking forward to giving Simon and Lady Alys their recently arrived gifts, but none of the other packages were urgently needed.  Her disappointment lay in her concern for Ivan Xav, and the fact that he was putting so many things on hold - because of his birthday.  She had complete faith in him that when a decision had to be made about his father’s plaque that he would make it.  But his normal wait and wait attitude was being pecked at by an impatient mother and Ivan Xav’s nightmares. 

“It wasn’t a nightmare,” he’d insisted as she’d watched him, scrubbing himself to death in the shower at three in the morning, after scaring her awake with a scream.  “It was just a weird dream.  Go back to sleep, love.”

He’d had that ‘weird dream’ twice now, and the only thing she managed to glean was that his father was in it.  But he wouldn’t talk about it, or what to do about the plaque or anything.  It was like a bottleneck holding up their plans.  The only thing that did make her want to press him was that he wouldn’t talk about children either.  But she could be patient.

And then something unexpected happened to force the issue.

***

_“Shh…shh, it’s alright - it’s alright.”_

_Ivan is gasping for breath, clutching his head.  He stares at the dimly lit room and for a split second he doesn’t recognise it, he doesn’t recognise her, this young woman with the warm voice, sat on her knees on the bed, clad in a t-shirt, her eyes as colourless as her face.  This is a different home._

_“Ivan Xav, my love.  Can you hear me?”_

_“Tej?”_

_Relief and colour flood her face and he anchors onto those golden eyes for a long while, pulling himself back out of the past.  He swallows the bitter bile in his mouth. He’s soaked in sweat.  He sits up slowly, unclenching his fists from his head and stares at his hands.  No blood.  There is no blood._

_He hits the panel to activate all the lights and staggers to the bathroom. He takes a long, hot shower, washing off the blood that isn’t there and the sweat that is._

***

“So,” Tej was holding out a cup to him, “this is a soothing tea that-“

“Tej, come on.  You know I’m not going to drink that!  It smells like pond water.  It _looks_ like pond water!”

“It’s three in the morning!”

“And I’m going to drink coffee, just like you.”  Ivan went to the coffee pot and poured himself a mug, which he put down with a start, grabbing and tilting Tej’s chin with his hand as he stared at the blossoming bruise on her temple.  “Where the hell did you get that?”

She hesitated and he suddenly realised...

“It was my fault,” she said.  “You were still…dreaming; I got too close.”

“I hit you?” he asked horrified.  “I did that?”    

Tej shook her head, a pained look crossing her features.  “It’s not important.  You didn’t know.  Sit down and have your coffee.”

“Screw the coffee!”

“Hey! That’s sacrilegious! I – what are you doing?”

Ivan had the first aid kit out and ignored all his wife’s protestations, as he pushed her gently into the chair, examined her and then strapped a healing pack against her bruising. 

“Is there another healing pack in the kit because I think I broke a nail too,” Tej said trying to keep it all light, hard to do when Ivan Xav, now he’d finished patching her up, looked at her like he’d lost his best friend.  She placed her hands on his face.  “It was an accident,” and then she let out a giggle, it hurt, but she couldn’t help it.  “But I bet I could get that divorce now.”

“Not funny,” he said, lips twitching and he reached across and stroked her cheek an anguished look crossing his features.  “I still can’t believe – _fuck!_ ”

“Ivan Xav Vorpatril!  Such language - I’m going to tell your _mother!_ ”

That got a half laugh out of him and then he grimaced.  “My mother - God!  She’s going to tear strips of me when she sees your face.  In fact, there will be a queue –“

“There will not,” Tej proclaimed.  “It’s not your family’s business!”

“Ah, great, so now you also have amnesia, and don’t recall meeting my family.” But he was smiling.

Tej moved out of her chair and sat in her favourite place, on her husband’s lap – this time straddling him.  “If the bruising still shows, we both say the same thing: it was due to an embarrassing accident which neither of us wish to talk about.  People can push all they want, my love.  I’m not saying a damn word.” She kissed him, it was awkward with the healing pack and it smarted as her skin pulled but she didn’t care.

“I don’t deserve you, Tej.”

“Are you questioning my taste in men, Lord Vorpatril?” she asked warningly; he laughed and shook his head.

“I wouldn’t dare.”  He coiled her hair in his hands and he flinched at some memory, his head tilting side to side and then he gave a firm shake of his head and took a breath.  “I haven’t had these dreams since I was a kid,” he said abruptly.  And he told her.  He knew he owed it her to tell her about this damn dream after hurting her like this.  But when he told her the source of it, he left out Gregor; it didn’t seem right to mention him.  And the funny thing was that it wasn’t that bad at all telling her.  Wasn’t bad at all.    

“What made them stop?” she asked, still digesting the fact that as a kid he’d kept it to himself because of his mistaken belief that it was cowardice to have such nightmares. She recalled her father comforting her when she’d had bad dreams and she was sure Ivan’s mother would have done the same.  If only she’d known.

Ivan frowned.  “I don’t know what made them stop…I was just glad when they did.”

“So it all seems to come back to your birthday?”

“Yeah, I guess so.  The Vorpatril birthday,” Ivan shook his head with a bleak laugh.  “Not a place of celebration…not in my family anyway.  It was worse for my father, though, and for my Uncle Aral and well, just…bad for everyone.” *****

Tej slipped her hands under his t-shirt, as he did the same under hers and she kissed him softly, needing some warmth against these bleak memories.  They seemed more real in the early hours of the morning, especially with the details of Ivan Xav’s nightmare still vividly etched into her mind.   She casually asked, “Erm…any ideas on that front?  Your father’s plaque I mean?”

“Yeah,” he said and he smiled that she wasn’t surprised.

“Told your mother any of them?”

“No.  Not saying anything until I get an answer to something from my aunt and uncle - there’s no point in discussing it until I hear from them.”

“That makes sense.”

“Yeah?” He was relieved she wasn’t going to press him even though he felt she had every right to.

Her hands moved around him so she could hug him hard, she was feeling things starting to uncork at last.  “Yes, my beautiful, warm bear, yes.”   

And then he found it was easy to tell her what he’d asked his aunt and uncle and that he should have just told her in the first place.  And they spent all morning talking about the other things, and he realised more and more how damn lucky he was to have her.   She understood his need to get the plaque issue out of the way first, a need he didn’t realise he had until he’d said it out loud.

***

The answer from his aunt and uncle came that morning in a vid recording.  It was succinct and what Ivan wanted. It was like everything was happening at once, in a good way.  He forwarded the message to Miles and Ekaterin straight away with a request, and waited to see how pissed off Miles would be…

***

_Vorkosigan House_

“He could have told me about it, Ekaterin.”

Ekaterin nodded. “Perhaps.  But he wanted to do make sure your parents would be fine with it first.  You would have done the same.”

“He still could have spoken to me about it!  I had no idea he was thinking about this, it’s not as if I would have a problem with it.”

“Miles,” Ekaterin said.  “This isn’t about you.  Let’s make this easy for him.  I think it’s a perfect solution and I’m going to call him now. ”

***

_Ivan’s Flat - Barrayar_

“Come in.” Tej ushered in her in-laws and was forced again to give the explanation she had given to Ekaterin about her bruising.  “We have all your packages,” Tej added.

“Never mind that now,” Lady Alys said examining Tej’s face closely. “How did you – oh, thank you, Ivan,” she took the drink Ivan handed to her, and before she could pursue anything further with Tej, Ivan distracted her with, “We have some ideas about the belated wedding dinner, and we want to go over them.”

“We don’t want it to be just a dinner,” Tej said, “We want to make sure it’s fun.”

Lady Alys looked at her daughter-in-law a touch warily.  “Fun?” 

Tej nodded. “Yeah, that there’s some entertainment, not just for the adults but for the children too– there’s going to be a lot of children there.  We don’t want them to be bored.”

“Sounds like a very thoughtful idea,” Simon said. 

Lady Alys nodded.  “I suppose, yes, but -.”

“But that’s not the main reason we called you over,” Tej said.  “The last of your gifts arrived.  Excuse us,” and Ivan and Tej disappeared quickly into their bedroom.

Alys turned to Simon and lowered her voice, “Do they both seem a touch…”

“Yes.  Maybe they started drinking early.”

Tej and Ivan returned after a few minutes, and they were both holding small gift bags.

“Took Tej hours to decide if these were the right gifts - well it did!” Ivan said at the look Tej gave him.

“Me first,” Tej said, and she handed over the bags to her in-laws, who exchanged looks before they opened the bags under the intense gazes. 

“They’re a matching set,” Tej said, as she watched them open the boxes.  She ran a hand through her curls and Ivan squeezed her hand recognising the nervous gesture.  He’d kept telling her they’d love anything she picked, but she still agonised over it. 

“It’s…beautiful,” his mother said, as she pulled her gift out of the plush box, and Ivan felt Tej release a held breath, as she squeezed his hand back.  Alys looked over at Simon, then moved and elegantly seated herself on the arm rest of his chair so they could compare their gifts: antique his and hers pocket watches.  “They’re both very elegant,” she added.

“You can see the mechanism,” Simon said in fascination, as he looked at it closely and Alys could see him getting into _another_ hobby.

Tej nodded and sat on the other side of Simon.  “We also bought some book disks about them and there’s a certificate of authentication with each one, including the history of their origin.  The history is fascinating; they both belonged to a couple who were married for over sixty years, which was a long time then.”

“I think that’s a long time in any age,” Simon said and gave Tej a smile as he patted her arm.  “I’m not sure how I’m going to cope with having two women in my life spoiling me with gifts.  Thank you.”

Tej beamed.  “I wanted to get you both something special,” she said earnestly and shyly added, “Besides, it’s my prerogative to spoil you.”  She cleared her throat. “I wanted to put on a dedication, but it would have ruined the authenticity, so we had replicas made based on the watches we just gave you.  Ivan Xav has them.”

Lady Alys gracefully took her and Simon’s gift boxes and placed them on the table, and looked to her son in expectation for the other gifts with a part amused smile.

Ivan opened up the bags in his hand.  “Um…I should have labelled these like Tej did.”   He took out one of the boxes and examined it.  “This one’s for…m’mother,” he said handing it to her.  “Which means this one’s for my stepfather,” and Simon nearly dropped the box when Ivan handed it to him.

Tej mentally applauded her husband for not even including the _ums_ , which she and Ivan Xav were both in the terrible habit of using between themselves.  They used it in the inlay card dedication as a small joke, which she was glad to see made Simon chuckle, but they left it out of the engraved inscription on the pocket watch; an inscription which seemed to overwhelm Simon a touch when he thanked them both.

To lighten the mood, Tej said brightly, “I think it suits you, sir.  You need to practice taking it out and opening it.  I wanted to buy you a suit to go with the watch but we decided to leave it until we came home.”

“I can already picture it; leave it to me,” Lady Alys murmured; amused and pleased, as she glanced at them both.  Simon raised an eyebrow and Alys kissed his cheek.  “Wait and see.  You’ll like it.”

“I have no doubt."

“They are set to Barrayaran time too,” Tej continued.  “That’s why they took so long to arrive. Erm…”  Tej turned to Ivan who nodded, and she ran a hand through her curls again. 

“There isn’t something else, is there?”  Alys asked picking up her drink and Simon picked up his. 

“Yeah,” Tej said with a grin and looked to her husband fondly who was grinning too. “I think you should tell them about the memorial tree first, before you tell them about their grandchildren.”

Alys choked on her drink and Simon dropped his.  He apologised profusely, but Tej shook her head as she swiftly picked up her glass and impulsively kissed his cheek.  “Well, I guess it’s not every day you’re told you’re soon going to be a grandfather.”

“Grandfather,” Simon rasped.

“And grandmother,” Ivan said laughing as he looked at his bright eyed mother.  “But yeah, there is something else…”

 ***

_Vorkosigan Surleau_

After burning his offering, Ivan cleared his throat.  “So yeah,” he whispered, as he adjusted his position on the grass.  “Feels a bit weird saying this out loud.  I thought it was about time we had a chat.  No, it’s not my birthday, or yours or any death day.  Today is a _good_ day.”  

Ivan reached over and ran the leaves of the small tree through his fingers.  Ekaterin had picked a beauty, and there was a stone carving at the base with his father’s full name, birth and death date.  Ivan was in a great mood and not just because the nightmares had gone.

“You see, from now on I’m only going to tell you about all the good things that have happened and I don’t care what day it is.  I’m sure you must be tired of the trips down memory lane, God knows I am and I know mother is too.” Ivan tugged at the grass.  “I don’t know if she’ll visit you here, but you can forget about me visiting you at that plaque.  I hope you like this place better.  I know I do.”  Ivan looked around at the grass, lake and the quiet and he grinned. “So…the good news.  Another break with tradition, I guess, but I reckon Tej is right; we need a lot of those.  You see, little Padma is going to have to wait. Not too long - maybe a year a two.  Because today was the day your grandchild - my child - got kick started in a uterine replicator.  My firstborn is going to be a girl, you see,” Ivan’s heart pounded and he grinned.  “Ana.  M’mother said if I’d ever had a sister that’s what she would have been called, and I really wish I’d had a sister,” he said wistfully.  “But y’know, not your fault,” he added hurriedly.  “So yeah, my daughter,” his heart pounded some more, “your granddaughter,” he took a breath, “she’s on her way…” 

 

 

                            

**Author's Note:**

> *For those who missed it: “The part of the massacre at which Aral was present was at Padma Vorpatril's first birthday party.” So says Lois McMaster Bujold (Subject: [LMB] Yuri's death squads, a few framing remarks.” Bujold chat list" September 2012.)
> 
> \- Many, many thanks to Avantika for the beta read!!
> 
> \- Also if you're thinking why Ana? - I like the name! (Hence the pseud) Heh! And until Her Ladyship does one of her brilliant let me reveal all emails, I'm sticking with Ana :D And with Ivan having a first born girl.
> 
> \- [ Reverie by Ludovico Einaudi](http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_detailpage&v=JGX2_ftEkbI) was listening to Einaudi a lot writing these.


End file.
